“What is this?” Part One: Bayonetta

Hello. Welcome to part one in an ongoing series titled “What is this?” where my girlfriend comes into the room while I’m in the middle of playing a videogame, and I have to try and explain to her what I’m playing. Oh, here she comes now.

Girlfriend: Hey. What is this?
Adam: Oh. This is Bayonetta.
Girlfriend: What’s going on?
Adam: It’s complicated. I’m a witch or something, and I have to kill these scary looking angels.
Girlfriend: Why do you have to kill angels?
Adam: I don’t know, because they’re trying to kill me? And I like have to find out who I am or something, I guess. I don’t know. And there’s this black guy who’s a devil who I can buy guns from, but I have to give him broken vinyl records to unlock new guns.

Girlfriend: This looks like porn. Is that black leather she’s wearing?
Adam: No, it’s ummm, it’s her hair. Her hair turns into her clothes, but then I can make her clothes come off and use the hair to kill angels like in a demon-storm-thing.
Girlfriend: So then she’s naked?
Adam: Yeah, but it doesn’t, like, show anything.
Girlfriend: How is she fighting in those heels?
Adam: Oh. They’re actually guns.
Girlfriend: What?
Adam: There are guns in my shoes. See, I can push this button and spin this around and it makes her stand on her hands and shoot bullets out of her feet.
Girlfriend: Oh.
Adam: And if I pull this trigger twice then I can turn into a puma-cat-thing and run really fast. And if I just push it once before I get hit by something, I can go into bullet-time like in the Matrix.

Girlfriend: Okay. Why does she look like a librarian?
Adam: I don’t know. I think that’s just what witches look like. I should stop playing anyway, I can only go for a level or two before my hands get sore. From the button-mashing. Did you want to, like, do anything before bed?
Girlfriend: No, I think I’m just going to read.
Adam: Oh. Okay. You sure? You didn’t want to do… anything?
Girlfriend: No, think I’m just going to read.
Adam: Okay.

And… scene. Thanks for reading “What is this?” where my girlfriend comes into the room while I’m in the middle of playing a videogame, and I have to try and explain to her what I’m playing. I really hope my girlfriend and I can do this again, that this can become an ongoing series, because, I really like her, and well, you don’t think she’s seeing someone else, do you? She just seems so distant lately.

Wait, you can unlock new costumes in Bayonetta?!

–Adam Dorsey