Is it Nathan or Nate? Either way, hi. I guess we haven’t officially met, but my name’s Lara. Lara Croft. Maybe you’ve heard of me? Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I recently played through your Playstation 3 game Uncharted, and I thought it appropriate to drop you a note.
Thanks for totally biting my style. I MEEN I RAID TOMBS DOOD JEEZ. That’s my thing. Playing through your game was exactly like playing through one of my games. Shoot some dudes, navigate some catacombs, solve a thousand-year-old puzzle, shoot some more dudes. Rinse, admire the realistic water physics, repeat.
Wait, I should clarify, playing your Uncharted game was just like playing one of my Tomb Raider games, EXACTLY like playing one of my Tomb Raider games, except for one thing — YOUR GAME IS GOOD. My game hasn’t been good since Tomb Raider 2, and was it even good then? I mean, I had boobs, but when you look past that, does anything else stand out?
You guys, I just decided what I want to be when I grow up. No, not a giraffe (although that would be super sweet too!) But no, after playing through the first three levels of Tomb Raider: Underworld, I totally want to be an archeologist! I mean, seriously, you guys, did you know that archeologists get to carry around guns? It’s true. There was a part where I pulled out my two gats and shot a shark in the face, UNDERWATER (!) I KNOW, RIGHT? Then I was whisked away to some other exotic locale, where I proceeded to FUCK UP some dead guy’s ancient burial place. I mean, seriously, there was a part there where I took out my shotgun and just blasted into the wall for like five minutes. It was awesome. Plus, if you break open these priceless vases that are scattered around, you can pull out these little artifacts, put them in your backpack, and I don’t know, get some gamerscore or something. IT’S FUCKIN’ MY NEW CAREER, DUDE.
Wait, let me start over. What I meant to say was: I played some Tomb Raider: Underworld, and I did not have a good time. But hold on, I liked Tomb Raider when I was 14, right? Well, it turns out that the reasons I liked Tomb Raider when I was 14, they don’t really transfer over to me liking Tomb Raider now. Part of that has to do with just how far we’ve come in gaming, that the same gameplay mechanics that used to wow us, now they just barely get us by.
Part of it has to do with boobs.